About a year and a half ago I changed my mind. I always said I didn't want to have kids. Then, it hit me, hard. I was decorating the Christmas tree with my husband and I felt a weird feeling. "I want to have a baby" started repeating in my head. What?! Surely I couldn't be thinking this. I tried to ignore it. I reminded myself every day that I don't have a biological clock. Then, day by day I started to realize that not only do I have a biological clock, it is a grandfather clock you'd see at the White House and it is LOUD! And persistent.
A few months after I admitted it to myself, I realized I had to tell my husband...who also didn't (doesn't) want to have kids. He was of course shocked and upset that I had changed my mind. Something he was so sure he could count on. Since then it's been a weird game that I play. I bring it up now and then, less now than I used to. I've realized that I can talk about "kids". We have long conversations about "if we ever have kids". He initiates a lot of them...
"If I ever have kids..."
"So-and-so's kids are..."
"If we ever had a kid..."
"If my kid ever played sports..."
This is how most of the conversations start.
I know I can't say the dreaded, most horrible word though.....baby. How could I dare utter this word? Sometimes it's not so bad....
"I don't think I've ever had baby quiche." Not much of a reaction.
"I don't like baby carrots." Again, OK. Any sort of food in small or "baby" form seems to make it through all right.
"Did you see that cute baby?" "I was talking to so-and-so about her baby." "(insert name here) at work is having a baby." Eyes roll, sweating begins and the subject is changed.
"I want to have a baby." Ignored.
"I NEED TO HAVE A BABY!!" Haven't actually tried this one yet, but I'm almost there.
So, now I know..."kids" is OK, "baby" is not. What if I start saying baby in a different language?
Spanish - bebe
French - bebe
German - baby
This isn't looking good.
Italian - bambino
A little better
Finnish - vauva (sounds too close to vulva, then we think of vulvodynia....causes a whole different set of emotions...try again)
Polish - dziecko
PERFECT! Now I just have to ask my dad how to say it.
"I want to have a dziecko!" "I need to have a dziecko!" "Lot's and lot's of dziecko's!!!"
I'll just say it means chocolate and he'll think I have PMS! I'm a genius.