Healing

I'm beginning to heal.

I had my surgery almost 2 weeks ago. The surgery was the same day as my grandmother's funeral, at the same time. I had to decide if I would skip the surgery and reschedule or miss the funeral. With the support of my family, I decided to go forward with having the surgery. I went to the calling hours and spent time with my family over the past few weeks, so we were all OK with the decision. As OK as we could be. It was a strange feeling though to be at the hospital with my husband and know that my entire family was together without me and I was going through this without them.

The doctor told my husband the surgery went as planned. I remember going into the surgical room and putting my arms out like I was on a cross. That's the last thing I remember. When I woke up, I heard nurses asking the people next to me if they were awake and if they knew where they were. Did they ask me the same thing? I can't remember. I didn't know what room I was in. Somehow I got back to the original bed I was in when I first got there. When the told me to get up and get dressed, there was a lot of blood on the bed. I asked the nurse if it was OK and she said that it was more than usual. Great. I had to wait awhile to make sure I was not bleeding to much and they sent me home. So many thoughts ran through my head; why am I bleeding so much? Is it over? Am I cured? How am I going to sit in the car? Am I going to heal quickly? Am I going to look the same?

When I got home, I laid in bed. And that's where I stayed for almost 2 weeks.

Surprisingly, the pain wasn't the worst part of this experience. Because I knew it was going to be there.

Bleeding. That's what I didn't expect. I bled for 12 days. I found out after 7 days that some stitches had separated and that's why I was bleeding. How did that happen? I was laying in bed with almost no movement for the entire 7 days. Did it happen in the hospital? It's a horrible feeling to just keep bleeding and think that it's not going to end. And to not know if I did it or if something happened at the hospital.

Boredom. Laying in bed for 12 days. Eating in bed. Sleeping off and on throughout the day. Watching reality TV, sitcoms, movies, America's Next Top Model marathon, anything that would take my mind off of the pain and boredom.

Loneliness. When you lay in bed for 12 days, waiting for a phone call, an email, someone to write on your Facebook wall, your husband to come home from work, you start to feel completely and utterly alone. I thought about everything. My grandmother, my family, work, what I want to do with my life, sex, having a baby, food, my body, everything. Loneliness and boredom can drive a person crazy.

Now, I'm able to sit, but not upright. I kind of have to slouch down. I can't put a lot of pressure on my area. But otherwise I'm feeling great. No more bleeding. Boredom and loneliness are one foot out the door. And now I'm moving on to the next stage of this long journey. Healing.

I don't know if this surgery will make my vulvodynia go away. I made need to continue medication, physical therapy, another vestibulectomy but on a smaller scale (they call it a correction), something else. Mentally, I need to heal. I need to learn how to live without this. How to deal with it if for some reason I have to live with this.

I made it this far. Now I can begin to heal.